Last Friday

I learned a new feeling recently - how it feels to be a hostage-taker on the verge of self harm.

While I may feel better now and I am fully aware at that time that what is going on in my mind will not last and it is even more comforting to know that these things do not happen seven days a week or 24/7, "this too shall pass, this too shall pass.." I can't help but dive again towards a downward spiral, like accidentally stepping on quicksand except that in life there are really no accidents and each time you fail, you just sink quicker and humans will not have enough time to save you just like in the movies.

It made me re affirm my belief that we must not rely on chances or fate alone, that we must keep schedules diligently and transform into some kind of monster whenever confronted with uncertainty. We must fight against it, hell-bent to not allow it.

Yet we must listen more to intuition or inner voices telling is what to do.

But isn't that two contradictory - a rigid schedule and a complete surrender on what our heart and mind tells us in the absence of evidence, reason and all other things that make sense?

It took a couple of nights before I had a rude awakening that I am really the one to blame.

I thought I had complete knowledge of where I am supposed to be at any particular moment so I refused to listen to a voice inside my head that repeatedly told me to ask again what time do I need to be there. 

That I must stop hating and blaming other people for situations that had nothing to do with them. 

Life has a funny way of reminding us we should not be overly serious about it. Learn to accept that even a small dose of happiness maybe subtle and fleeting and for this reason alone we must not attach ourselves carelessly on feelings because it will not last.

Sadness will not last.


I Know How It Feels

 


I know how it feels

Not wanting the things I deserve

Being made to feel guilty about wanting good things for myself

Not enjoying a nice meal because not everyone gets to enjoy this

Not wanting to go somewhere special because it does not feel right when I am the only one who gets to enjoy this.

When will I allow the little voice inside me to conquer the fiercest demon we all call "self"

When will it be no longer called "little"

Is it true that we need a dose of true love for this?

Haven't we all have been already loved by the almighty to begin with

How come the world just seems so unfair and sometimes everything just don't feel right?